So, Your Girlfriend Loves Bill Compton (part two)

Without further ado, let us finish up yesterday’s post:

5. “But isn’t this guy in love with…his lunch?”

Oh, you guys and your literal, pragmatic brains. Don’t overthink it. The idea of a vampire saying, “technically, you are my lunch, but you’re special so I love you” is suspiciously similar to the way women always want to “change” the bad boys. We grow up and realize that a manwhore is just a manwhore, but the seed of the bad boy fantasy lives on in what we read. “Oh, but he’s going to CHANGE for ME!” It’s stupid, but it’s still alive way, way back in the middle school parts of our brains. (We are ashamed of this.) Besides, the idea of a guy singling us out and saying, “you are not lunch, you are special” is also a variation on what we really want to hear. We don’t want to believe that men think of us as useful, yet tiring foils (as we are almost always portrayed in Super Bowl commercials). We want to believe that you’re with us because we’re special, not because we’re tolerable.

To clarify, guys, women don’t run around always doubting your sincerity. It’s just that we’re used to guys telling us whatever they think we want to hear. We can tell when you’re bullshitting us because it pretty much sounds like the last 10 guys who bullshitted us. We don’t believe you when you say you love us during naked time. We believe you love us when you introduce us to your friends and family. When you take one for the proverbial team. When you let us have the tv remote, or clean the hair out of the shower, even though we both know that it’s the female’s hair and not yours. Those things, much like not drinking our blood even though you really, really want to, mean a lot more than saying a bunch of stuff that you heard in a movie somewhere. (Did you see that guy on Tool Academy turn to his girlfriend and say, “you complete me!” after being caught admitting to repeated cheating? Classic.)

6. “This is 2010. Isn’t the concept of a man standing up for you and protecting you outdated?”

Now, there’s nothing attractive about a guy who gets in bar fights, but there’s something to be said for ol’ Bill Compton. We’ve let you guys think we can stand up for ourselves and protect ourselves because that’s life in 2010. We’ve been trained to do what needs to be done, but that doesn’t mean we necessarily enjoy it. Just because all us ladies are mentally prepared to beat the living hell out of a burglar doesn’t mean we don’t kind of wish the stereotypical baseball bat wielding guy weren’t around. In 2010, we do what needs to be done…and read about having a boyfriend who can keep the town serial killer from murdering us.

7. “Bill vs. Sam. Discuss.”

Your girl’s preference may tell you a lot. Then again, she may go my route and insist that she can’t decide. Any way you slice it, if you follow the question with “What is it about ______ that you like?” you’re going to get something interesting.

8. “Jason Stackhouse: comedic relief or moral scapegoat?”

Jason’s kind of a manwhore, and that manwhoredom lands him in the role of main suspect in a murder investigation. Maybe it’s just a device to move the plot forward. Maybe it’s a subtle morality tale about how one should reconsider hoing around with half the town (and videotaping it).

9. “There are undertones of dominance in Bill and Sookie’s love life. How do you feel about this?”

I should warn you that you should probably only ask your girlfriend this if you have a solid 10 minutes to listen. You may get quite the earful, whether she thinks it’s hot or patronizing. For best results, ask the question and say you’ll check back later. Your girl’s going to need to think about this one, and think about how much of she answer she’s willing to tell you.

10. “So, Sookie ends up with one of the few guys whose thoughts she can’t hear. WTf.”

It’s explained as Sookie not really wanting to hear everything a guy is thinking, but the flip side is that, by being telepathic (as I write this sentence, I can hear how stupid this sounds to you) she has something to keep her on some kind of equal footing with Bill. Without her telepathy, she’d just be a normal, naive, inexperienced waitress. In other words, she’d be Bella from Twilight (ooh, burn!). By being telepathic, she has something to offer, so we can, in part, understand why Bill would want to hang out with her.

So, fellas, go forth and converse with your Sookie-reading ladies. They’ll be taken aback that you care enough to ask questions and care enough to try to read what they’re reading. Hell, it’s even better than giving us the tv remote.

So, Your Girlfriend Loves Bill Compton (part one)

The more I read books from the Sookie Stackhouse series, the more I wonder why guys generally don’t read these books. The books have a female narrator and are largely considered “silly chick books” only one tier above Danielle Steele. If I may, I’d like to tell all you guys why you should be reading these, highlighting, and making notes in the margins.

Modern vampire lit is mainly written by women, for women.

Who cares if the guy at Borders thinks you might secretly be gay? If you’re good at reading between lines, you’re going to learn a lot about the female psyche if you read these things. You want to know what we’re thinking? What we talk about with our girlfriends, but not you? Read the books we’re reading and start asking questions. Odds are, you’re going to gain knowledge much more valuable than the 7 bucks you spent on the book.

(Sidebar: This comes from a chick who had a subscription to Maxim for 5 years. Don’t get me wrong, there was a huge grain of salt taken with Maxim, as it’s no more an accurate depiction of the male mind than Cosmo is an accurate depiction of the female mind…and Cosmo is some stupid, fascist bullshit. Never trust a magazine that runs a cover bearing the grabber “How to touch a naked man” unless the article is 6 words long and just says “ask him what he likes, dumbass.”)

If your girlfriend has read the Sookie Stackhouse books, and she’s probably read at least one if she reads, I’ll provide you with some conversation starters. In most cases, all you’ll have to do is ask the question and your girl will spew valuable intel at you for 5 minutes. I’ll point out that these questions pretty much only pertain to the first book. If you know where this plot is going, for the love of God, don’t tell me.

1. “Bill or Eric, and why?”

2. “Bill’s Victorian sense of chivalry: a wonderful expression of long-forgotten manners, or an outdated waste of time? And tell the truth.”

If pressed, even a militant feminist will admit that she’s got nothing against the occasional flower. Lots of guys think chivalry is pointless and outdated, because lots of guys (God love ya) are pragmatic. Sometimes the fun of romance is doing something that seems stupid (spending money on flowers, or opening a door for a woman with two perfectly-functioning arms) just because you want to and not because it makes any practical sense.

3. “What’s with all the talk of Bill braiding Sookie’s hair? Are you all into that?”

It’s not about the braiding. It’s about the idea of your guy doing something for you that is just about doing something for you and not about a ploy to get you naked or con you into going to his family reunion.

4. “This starts to get sort of porny, but then the chapter ends. What the hell?”

You know how horror movies are always much scarier when you don’t get a good look at the monster? Same concept. For women, the fun is in Bill growling things into Sookie’s ear, not graphic depictions of what happens after. This is why a lot of us eventually get bored with Laurell K. Hamilton’s books. They become nothing but graphic, monotonous depictions of sex lacking in sensuality, and that gets boring.

This is the part where I break in an effort to yield to the short attention spen of the internet. Tune in tomorrow for part 2!