World’s Best-Written Blog. Only not.

Yesterday’s blog ended with me mentioning something about how, in a perfect world, the bedroom would be a sort of no-judge zone. I believe that this is the case for a lot of couples, and it should be, but I also believe that this is all too often not how things are. This also ties into that thing I said a few weeks ago about the virgin/whore problem. I mentioned it in the context of talking about how guys were kind of screwed when it came to knowing the right things to say, but that women were also screwed in a lot of ways.

I apologize for the somewhat “all over the place” nature of this one. It’s hard for me to cover this without listing specific events that may or may not involve people you know. It’s hard for me to talk about this without telling on myself. It’s especially hard for me to talk about this without getting into a subject that would take a 5-part series and spark some debate that would piss me off. I don’t really need any more things in my life that piss me off, thanks.

So, the virgin/whore problem. The quick explanation is the one I gave a friend:

“Guys want you to throw down in the bedroom…but they also want to believe that you’d only ever do that with THEM.” As though only that ONE guy would have the power to bring out your inner sexpot. As though he were the only guy you’d ever been with. As though he is made of magic and you have no recollection of anything or anyone that happened before him. Honestly. The male ego.

If you’re good at something, they wonder if you’re lying about how many people you’ve been with. If you’re bad at something, you will be dismissed pretty quickly. They never, ever really want to hear anything that went down with anyone before them. This is a shame. We women will tell you these things in hopes that you are paying attention and taking notes. You don’t NEED Maxim to tell you what we’re thinking. We will tell you all sorts of things, in excruciating detail. If you’re smart, you’re taking notes instead of judging us.

Also, we’re also telling you these things in hopes that you’ll reciprocate. Hell, make a user’s manual. With video. Whatever works. Ask about our sex toys instead of fearing them. Ask why we prefer those to other ones. A woman who is having a good time during naked time is a woman who will care a lot less about you leaving socks on the floor. It’s a win/win.

Several of you are looking at me with one eyebrow raised. You’re saying to me, “but Amy…don’t you think you’re a little under-qualified for this conversation?”

Maybe a little, say I.

However, the thing about me that makes me under-qualified also makes the virgin/whore problem glaringly clear to me. Men start off treating me like a delicate child, only to have me point out that I’m still 32 and this is not my first rodeo. As a result, the two perceptions collide and men have no idea what to do with me. The virgin/whore contradiction comes through with glaring clarity; they feel bewildered and disoriented and I feel harshly judged. More than once have I been offered the position of one night stand or booty call, only to offer up an inconvenient truth that prompted one guy to have to sit down and apologize for the next ten minutes. He was horrified, as though he’d whipped it out in front of a nun. All he’d really done was touch my hand, and possibly had a couple impure thoughts.

Enough of you know what I’m getting at in that last paragraph. To those of you who don’t know, I’ll just point out that I am not now and have never been a man. That is all.

…but not the chickens.

Again, we find ourselves at the crossroads of another potentially insanely classy blog post. You all should know how it goes by now: in the battle between frank discussion and acting like a lady, frank discussion always wins. Let’s do this.

“What is it with the choking? Where are you guys getting this?”

A couple of friends and I are watching a comedian say these things, and my friends are looking at me in a somewhat bewildered fashion. They don’t get it. Despite jokingly talking about being swingers, they haven’t been “out there” in some time. As for me, “out there” is all I ever do. I’ve been out there so long I stopped bothering to unpack when I get to the hotel.

“Huh? People CHOKE people? Why? What the fuck?”

“I don’t know where this came from. Probably porn, since that’s where everything else comes from. What I do know is that almost every guy I’ve met in the last 3 years and has done it. As for why, it’s just pretend. Maybe it’s the nanosecond of ‘wtf?’ that passes across someone’s face when it’s done. Maybe it’s just a good way to direct movement. If somebody has control of your head, they pretty much have control of your whole body position.”

“They just reach up and choke you?”

“Well, no. They’re not psychos. They just put a hand up under your chin and then look to see if you’re cool with it. Even if you’re cool with it, they don’t really choke you. It’s totally pretend.”

My friend continued to be bewildered. As I watched her sitting there, trying to wrap her head around this, I thought, “clearly, a survey needs to be done.”

Since I roll with goth folk, I didn’t even think this whole thing was weird until I started asking around. At Stitch N Bitch, only 40% of the people in the room said they were cool with it. Swallowing scored better, even if only for logistical reasons. (“It’s easier than washing the sheets.”) A friend asked his female coworkers (all of them African American) and none of them have had this happen. They seemed to file it in the “white people are crazy” folder, right between self-tanner and Coldplay. The goth friends seemed completely unsurprised. “Oh, that started in fetish porn ten or fifteen years ago…guess it’s gone mainstream.”

Once the curiosity gets started, it must be satisfied. It’s how I roll. What would the real fetish people say? Not just the weekend warriors? Let’s go on FetLife.com and find out. (I set up account just for this blog. I have no beef with FetLife.com, but I also see no need to be on it.)

The people on FetLife seem to be into a little more pressure than people who would, say, NOT join a fetish-centered web community. Go figure. However, aside from the air restriction aspects, the motivation is basically the same. Some people think it looks sexy, some people enjoy a little light domination. Most people aren’t doing anything that would even come close to being on the news.

Of the women I asked about this, the biggest thing that they found unsettling was WHY someone would want to do this.

“What if he has some weird thing where he secretly wants to kill me?”
“Dude, he probably doesn’t.”

“What does that mean? Is it disrespectful?”
“Only if it makes you feel disrespected.”

I think part of this comes, as a lot of fetishes do, out of some weird frustration with modern society. Men feel like they have to be politically correct all the time to avoid offending women. Women feel like they have to be tough all the time, just to avoid being taken advantage of. Since our bedrooms are no-judge zones, that’s where we can reverse all of that. I speak in idealistic terms here, as bedrooms all too often don’t end up being no-judge zones…but I’m sure we can discuss that tomorrow. Wink.

In Which We Keep It Classy. Again.

I’ve given this some thought and, while I do realize that strangers may see this, I’m willing to take one for the team and talk about this anyway. Part of my job here is to bring up things that make us squirmy. Besides, refusal to talk about this would only contradict my point. We’re all adults here, and it’s time we addressed this.

I’m offended my the expression “suck my dick.” I’ll admit that I’ve used this expression because I think it’s funny when a female says it, but that doesn’t make it OK. You see, telling someone to suck your dick implies that fellatio (is this blog more ladylike if I call it fellatio?) is some horrible, degrading thing that one should only do when one has accepted one’s inferiority to someone else. As in, “I think so little of you that you can suck my dick.”

Fellas, I would encourage you to stop using this expression. Why? Because I would assume that you would want your sexual partners to do this for you. Thus, it would be wise to not run around implying that fellatio is only for people with little other redeeming value. You want more women to go down on you? Stop implying that it’s horrible and degrading. Start implying that it’s a huge favor that you really appreciate and enjoy. Like, use “suck my dick” in the place of “rocks my world.”

“OMG, those buffalo wings TOTALLY sucked my dick.”

OK, maybe not, but you see what I mean. (But if you DO incorporate that phrase into your vocabulary, please get video of people’s faces when you say it.)

GUYS:
A good number of you will say things like, “oh, you don’t have to do that” or “really? because you don’t have to if you don’t want to…” and that implies that you still think that fellatio is something “nice girls” don’t do. I’ll let you in on a little secret. There ARE no nice girls. There are only girls who have hang-ups because of what parents, past guys and friends have taught them. They’re also afraid that you’re going to tell your friends everything they do. Remove these fears and hang-ups. Have a much better time.

A woman who gets your respect when her clothes are on is more willing to do whatever when her clothes are off. Tattoo that on your body as a reminder. Open the doors, pay for dinner and call when you say you will, and you’re well on your way to having the keys to the kingdom.

LADIES:
You know damn well that this is part of your job and should be part of your repertoire. If the thought of doing this grosses you out, maybe you should take another look at WHY you’re getting naked with that person in first place. If you’re naked for the right reasons, you’re down for whatever body parts are available. Besides, it’s so easy and makes them so happy. Get over yourselves.

What you do, what you allow to get ON you, is not degrading unless you make it degrading. Letting a man disrespect you is degrading, and that can happen with all of your clothes ON.

Everybody, I’m glad we had this little chat. I feel cleansed.