As someone who’s shopping for a home, I thought I’d write an open letter to the real estate agent community. Just a few little tips for these troubling times in real estate. Smooches.
1. Don’t Bullshit Me.
Do not list “stained glass window” in your listing, only to let me drive all the way to East Nashville to find out that it’s a stick-on decal that LOOKS like stained glass. Ugly stained glass, I might add. Do not say that the bathroom is tiled and let me find out that it is, in fact, hollow plastic tiling. “New roof” and “patched roof” are not the same thing. Doing things like this makes you look like a dick, and makes me wonder what else you’re lying about. It makes me not only NOT want to buy your house, it makes me want to punch you in the dick.
2. Don’t Bullshit The System.
Do not upload a second copy of a picture that’s already on your web site just so the listing will appear as “new photo alert” in my email. Also, do not change the price of the house 3 dollars so that it appear as “price change alert.”
3. Pictures = important.
How are you going to expect me to drive all the way across town when you can’t even be bothered to take some pictures of the interior of the house? Maybe the interior is completely jacked-up? Either way, I’m either not going to bother pursuing the house, or I’m going to visit the house and SEE how jacked-up it is. The truth is going to come out, so it might as well come out in a fashion that doesn’t involve me driving for 20 minutes.
4. If I drive out there, make sure I can get in.
It is exceedingly irritating to take time off work and schedule an appointment, only to get to the house to find that the person who was supposed to be home is now NOT home…even through I set an appointment. Seriously, do you want to sell this house or not? Cause it seems like you don’t.
5. Bother to make the house presentable.
If I were a listing agent and someone came to me and said, “hey, I want to sell this house, but I have piles of crap everywhere,” you know what I’d say? “Rent a storage unit and call Professional Organizer Person.” OK, so the listings in my price range aren’t exactly the kind that one would want to pay to have professionally “staged,” but you could at least bother to not have a giant, rabid pit bull caged up in each room of the house. Just make SOME effort.
6. Your Photoshopping isn’t fooling anyone.
If there’s a big stain on the carpet, people are going to find out when they look at the house. Don’t Photoshop it out of the pictures. If you MUST Photoshop it out of the pictures, do a good job at it. Use the clone tool instead of the blur tool. If the stain on the carpet is dark red and NOT blood, tell me what it IS.
7. Don’t half-ass the renovation.
I know nothing about renovating, and even I can sniff out when “tile” is really vinyl. I will bend down and feel the floor, and I will feel the “tile” in the bathroom. I will feel the “stained glass.” I notice when you do a sloppy paint job. Have some pride in your work as well as your wallet, and don’t put industrial low-pile berber in a house.
8. “Bars on windows” is not a feature, no matter how many exclamation points you put after it.
9. “Walk-in closet” means that a grown man could walk into it, not my cat.
10. Just say no to Boob Lights. They’re not that much cheaper than good lights, and they look half ass. And like boobs.