Weekend: Box, Box, Booze.

Did the usual thang with Mark and we tried a new Chinese place. After many years of being loyal patrons of China Bell, we finally admitted to ourselves that The Bell had gone south and my tasty vegetable dish was basically just grease-flavored. So, we gave Hunan Express a try. It’s a bizarre little place next to Sam Ash in Rivergate and, like every carry out Chinese restaurant on Earth, looks like you should expect food poisoning after you eat there. Why do Chinese carry-out places always have to be so sketchy-looking? It’s unsettling. Anyway, Hunan Express is owned by this dude and his wife (or some woman that I assume is his wife) and he talks into a little microphone to give her the orders, even though she’s only 7 feet away. “What’s in the Vegetarian Delight?” “NO MEAT!” Yeah. It was good, though. The only thing I would have changed was that there was a little too much whatever sauce poured over my rice.

Got up and did all of the dishes that had been languishing all over my kitchen, then went in to work to make a whole lotta text boxes for Giant Digital Magazine, which is just about finished. After that, I met Nat, Pearl, Lisa, and Shannon at Battered & Fried for an EIGHT-dollar sushi roll. It was good, but damn. I’m only going back there if someone else is paying…and I’m willing to repay the meal with sexual favors.

After Battered & Fried, Nat, Pearl and I went over to Red Door Midtown to meet kick-ass pilot gal Erin. The place was overrun with Vandy types who had apparently been drinking all day at steeplechase (steeplechase? hi, could you be little whiter?) so I was out of there by 10:30. I did, however, manage to finally consume an entire alcoholic beverage (amaretto sour) in a bar before closing on my house. OK, so it took me until age 30. Don’t judge.

Oh! I almost forgot: I finally got the dead microwave out of my kitchen. It had been sitting on the floor for two years (don’t judge me) because I recall only being able to lift it long enough to et it from the counter to the floor when I replaced it. When my well-meaning parents bought it for me, they got the most powerful (read: big) microwave they could find. You know, in case I felt like cooking a turkey or something. Over the years, I just stopped seeing it there… Anyway, my weight regime must be working because I carried that bitch out to the car without having to stop and rest or anything. My plan was to just drive around with it in my car until I had a boy with me who would help me throw it into a dumpster somewhere, but the lady at U-Haul (I was buying some super-large boxes) was like “I’ll put that in our trash if you want.” Sweet! Thanks, lady!

Got up and ran out to the car to get the extra-large boxes which, in Sunday’s strong winds, acted as a sort of kite that damn near lifted me off the ground. I packed all 4 of them, packing up almost everything in the kitchen and work room, except for some pots that I forgot about and some books of sheet music. I try to distribute the books over several boxes so I’m not totally screwed when I have to move those things around the house, and sheet music books are huge. This thought process did not, however, stop me from packing a 2-inch stack of black display boards into one box…I’m gonna have to tip the movers extra for that shit.

Since goth night was at Decades again this week, Jen and I decided to just hang out at Red Door East instead. I sprung for a Blue Valium…and then Jen surprised me with a second one. This, readers, is easily the most booze I’ve ever had in one sitting, as Red Door follows the rum/curacao/tequila/vodka recipe, as opposed to the blue mix/lemonade/vodka one. “Dude, he filled that thing up to HERE with liquor!” (Jen points about 1.5 inches below the rim of the glass.) “Yeah, but that’s mostly ice.”

At best, I was mildly tipsy, but I was really just so drowsy that my head felt like it was full of water. “That’s cause you didn’t drink them fast enough,” says Jen. A couple hours and a half Vivarin later, I was all good, except that my right contact had fallen out, making for an interesting drive home. “No, officer! I’m sober! I’m just blind in one eye!”

Weekend: Boozetastic Birthday

Jen and I meet up for dinner at the new Calypso Cafe in East Nashville. Despite feeling that I wasn’t nearly hip enough to be there (seriously, Eastside, what’s WITH your hair?), I thoroughly enjoyed my beans & three and the company of The Jen. After dinner, we hit the beauty supply and had the intention to swing by Naughty By Nature to peruse their selection of leather, studded things. Sadly, Naughty By Nature closed down, so we went to the Jenna’s Toy Box next door.

Hav you ever seen someone smoking meth or crack on tv and thought, “where does one even GET a crack pipe?” Well, Jenna’s Toy Box sells them. I’m not talking about “tobacco” pipes. I’m talking about glass tubes with glass bulbs on the end. Craaaaack pipe. Since Jen and I have a disturbing tendency to end up at a porn store after eating dinner, we’ve decided that we’re going to do a photo series where we’re standing in front of various porn stores…preferably eating ice cream cones.

Pizza and Peeps (marshmallow and human) at Mark’s house, followed by the weekly Krogering. I don’t know what I was doing last week, but somehow almost none of the food that I bought got eaten. Thus, this week’s Kroger trip resulted in the purchase of cereal, pickles, and 3 boxes of sugar-free Jello.

Looked at 4.5 houses. The first one was the home of some renter who apparently hadn’t been notified that we were coming, and he was pissed. I figured that he was pissed because the house was filthy or something, but no. He was pissed because something illegal was probably going on in there. Why? There were four pitbulls (all of whom were separated from each other with cages) and a strong smell of air freshener. You and I both now that there are only 2 reasons that a single guy would own/use air freshener, and…well, I didn’t smell poo. Needless to say, that was not exactly the best showcase for that house. Scary.

There were a couple more typically sketchy houses, one that may have been cute (I couldn’t concentrate because the alarm was going off the whole time), and one that we couldn’t get into. We’re going to go back on Tuesday and see those again. Yes, readers, I feel kind of stupid for continuing to look at houses given the situation at work. But I was able to make my current rent back when I was broke from working at Vandy. I swear, it’ll be OK…and if it’s not OK, I can always do more freelancing or something. Or go work at Starbucks.

Saturday night, it was back to Calypso for Jen’s birthday dinner and then to Red Door for drinks. Well, there was a slight detour to Rivergate to go to Zen. We arrived there to be told that we needed to “go home and spruce up” because half of us were violating the dress code (t-shirts, hoodies, sneakers). Excuse me? Your bar is in RIVERGATE. Well, ok, says the manager as we were walking away, you can come in. We just need to look through your purse and frisk you. Excuse me? Your bar is in RIVERGATE. I didn’t want to be The Bitch Who Ruins It For Everyone, so I was going to go ahead and let Giant Sweatpants Lesbian frisk me. Oh, but wait! There’s a 10-dollar cover. What?

That was pretty much it. Manager Guy said that we wouldn’t have to pay the cover when we all started walking away, but by that time we were all feeling very “fuck you” about the whole thing. “You know what? I no longer want to give these people my money. Fuck this.” So, we went to Red Door and had a lovely time.

Washed all of the bed linens and then headed out to 80’s goth night for dancing and watching Jen fully enjoy her new 21-ness. It was pretty much the usual, and you haven’t lived until you’ve seen Fang Guy dance to “When Doves Cry” with no sense of irony.

Weekend: Strange & Unusual

Took a half day of vacation so as to finally go and get my driver’s license renewed, after driving on an expired one for 4 months. Since I turned old in November, I had to go to the DMV and get a new picture taken. Hence the stalling. The picture took 2 tries, but came out fairly decently, and I ran into Eric.

As part of the half-day festivities, I left work early and went to Performance to replenish the makeup stash and get some blue and some clown white to mix for a photo shoot of corpsey goodness. I didn’t forget about the Valentine in a Vacuum shoot…I’m just stalling until I’m in my new place. It occurred to me that, in my current place, there’s nowhere to take pictures because I’m on top of myself all the damn time. I can’t take a picture without there being a stack of dish towels in the background or something. Lame. Anywho, after spending 30 bucks at Performance (I also stocked up on the life blood of lacy gloves), I went up to Rivergate for Chinese foodz and reality tv with Mark. I felt crazy, so I got the “broccoli with garlic sauce” that I’d never had. I don’t think that was garlic sauce. It was more like the sauce that they put on General Tso’s Chicken, so I called it “broccoli with happy accident.”

Hooked up with my kick-ass real estate lady to look at my top 5. The verdicts:

  1. 6-foot ceilings are cute, but not when your bed is 6.5 feet tall. I may be a pocket person, but I’m a pocket person with a taste for giant, imposing Victorian furniture. Next!
  2. Cute, lots of space, basement (!), but I’m troubled by the lack of closet space. This would be a recurring trend, as most of the houses in East Nashville are old and old houses have small closets. This was my front-runner until #4.
  3. HUGE, but with a very WTF kind of flow. Or lack of flow, as it were. One day, somebody’s gonna put some money into this house and it will be completely kick-ass. However, the possible drug deal going on next door and the FOUR exterior doors (two of which were in bedrooms) say that the renovating person won’t be me.
  4. The front-runner. It’s not very cute from the outside, but some shrubs and the ability to add a big front porch later could change that. The inside has new hardwoods, new a/c, lighting fixtures that say “we enjoy ornate metal” (so do I, not surprisingly), and a tub with black & white checkered tile. I described the bathroom as “gothtastic.” There’s the usual lack of closet space, but the bedroom’s big enough to accommodate an armoire. There’s also no dishwasher, but there’s a place where one could easily be added later. Also, a 2-car garage. I hadn’t really thought about a garage, but once I did, I realized that it would be nice to have for the “you don’t know if I’m home or not” factor. Also…it would be good space for photo shoots (natural light, area for mess-making). The would-be sewing room has a door (to make it a no-puss zone), and the living room is big enough to accommodate a giant wall unit and/or huge “single dude tv.” There’s also a vaulted ceiling, which looks to me like a big black canvas. I’m thinking 3 or 4 big, tall paintings…something involving Alice in Wonderland. Oh, and the wood trim and doors are stained cherry, which will jive well with my furniture and the dark jewel tones that I plan to put on the walls. The kitchen is more of a tiny afterthought, but I don’t really cook anyway and a giant kitchen is just an invitation to funk. If you only have a little counter space, you have to keep it clean. Also, the fridge has “water in the door,” which has been a secret dream of mine since childhood. This place isn’t as big as some of the others, but bigger places sometimes just mean that you have more space to keep clean. Besides, the bigger places often had bedroom so small that I wouldn’t be able to fit an armoire in them…what would I do for clothes space?
  5. Smelled like old ladies, had vertical blinds that were white on one side and METALLIC GOLD on the other, jacked-up carpet, jacked-up fence, basement and loft area both looked like places to kill people. Brilliant as comedy, not so much as an actual place to live.

After going home and trying to take a nap (unsuccessfully because I was picturing my stuff in house #4), I headed out to see Beetlejuice. Wheee, Beetlejuice!

Got up and immediately started the ritual: got 24oz coffee at TigerMart, went in to the office to make tiny cartoon pants for 5 hours.  After that, I went home and made a scale drawing of house #4 in Illustrator, then placed virtual furniture in it, then placed fantasy furniture in it. I’ll look at the house once more to measure and make sure that the bedroom really can handle an armoire as long as 7 feet, but my drawing says yes. Someday, someway, I WILL have one of those giant fuckoff armoires with cherubs and lions and shit carved into it. The dream is real.

As a result of the working/drawing, I didn’t make it out to goth night. I was worn out and knew that I had a long week ahead of me. One should not start such a week on 4 hours’ sleep.

Weekend: Tenno, Snow, Heston Show

It’s becoming clear that I’m going to have to start counting Thursday as part of the weekend, since this is the day that Jen and I usually meet for dinner. We met up at Tenno for vegetable hibachi (sooooo good) and then hit Maggie Moo’s. I got the cheesecake ice cream with strawberries (awesome) and Jen got the red velvet cake flavor (also awesome). My company needs to land the Maggie Moo account so we can all get some kind of gift card that entitles us to free moo for life. OK, maybe that wouldn’t be such a good thing. Which reminds me…

Headed up to Rivergate to eat pizza and hang out with Mark. Sadly, the visit was cut a bit short when I looked outside at 10:00 and saw 2 inches of snow. “Holy crap….I gotta go.” I’ve done such a good job of not smashing my car into things, and I’d hate to spoil it now. I almost didn’t even get away from his house, as (surprise!) a PT Cruiser is not exactly a good snow vehicle. I took I65 home, in some retarded hope that the highway would be a little better than Gallatin Rd. Not so much. I still had to do 20 mph all the way home, while having the shit scared out of me by truckers doing 50. Honestly, dicks. You’ve got 4 lanes. Do you REALLY need to pick the one right next to me? Anyway, I got home OK and only had trouble at the last stop sign before my house, where I slid to a 45 degree angle. Sweet.

Went over to jrob’s for pasta, bread, salad and the watching of Soylent Green. Somehow, I’d lived to be 30 without seeing it. Bad American! Dinner was tasty (and guilt-inducingly plentiful) and Soylent Green was good. I question the feasibility of The Scoopers, but hey.

Pretty much stayed inside all day sitting on my ass. In some attempt to make up for eating like a lumberjack for 3 days, I got in some treadmill time and had a big bowl o’ veggies for dinner. Tip: balsamic spray dressing works really well with raw broccoli because of all the little crannies in said broccoli. Just take a Beano first, as raw broccoli, like Wu Tang, ain’t nothin’ to fuck wit. You should only attempt it if you’re sure that you’ll be alone for the rest of the night, if you catch my drift.

I didn’t do goth night this week because I needed a week off and I felt like I should have my wits about me today. In order to make some extra cash for house stuff, I’m doing some light production work for my former employers. Talk about some kismet: I was looking on Craigslist for freelance work, and they just happened to IM me. Sweet!