Again, we find ourselves at the crossroads of another potentially insanely classy blog post. You all should know how it goes by now: in the battle between frank discussion and acting like a lady, frank discussion always wins. Let’s do this.
“What is it with the choking? Where are you guys getting this?”
A couple of friends and I are watching a comedian say these things, and my friends are looking at me in a somewhat bewildered fashion. They don’t get it. Despite jokingly talking about being swingers, they haven’t been “out there” in some time. As for me, “out there” is all I ever do. I’ve been out there so long I stopped bothering to unpack when I get to the hotel.
“Huh? People CHOKE people? Why? What the fuck?”
“I don’t know where this came from. Probably porn, since that’s where everything else comes from. What I do know is that almost every guy I’ve met in the last 3 years and has done it. As for why, it’s just pretend. Maybe it’s the nanosecond of ‘wtf?’ that passes across someone’s face when it’s done. Maybe it’s just a good way to direct movement. If somebody has control of your head, they pretty much have control of your whole body position.”
“They just reach up and choke you?”
“Well, no. They’re not psychos. They just put a hand up under your chin and then look to see if you’re cool with it. Even if you’re cool with it, they don’t really choke you. It’s totally pretend.”
My friend continued to be bewildered. As I watched her sitting there, trying to wrap her head around this, I thought, “clearly, a survey needs to be done.”
Since I roll with goth folk, I didn’t even think this whole thing was weird until I started asking around. At Stitch N Bitch, only 40% of the people in the room said they were cool with it. Swallowing scored better, even if only for logistical reasons. (“It’s easier than washing the sheets.”) A friend asked his female coworkers (all of them African American) and none of them have had this happen. They seemed to file it in the “white people are crazy” folder, right between self-tanner and Coldplay. The goth friends seemed completely unsurprised. “Oh, that started in fetish porn ten or fifteen years ago…guess it’s gone mainstream.”
Once the curiosity gets started, it must be satisfied. It’s how I roll. What would the real fetish people say? Not just the weekend warriors? Let’s go on FetLife.com and find out. (I set up account just for this blog. I have no beef with FetLife.com, but I also see no need to be on it.)
The people on FetLife seem to be into a little more pressure than people who would, say, NOT join a fetish-centered web community. Go figure. However, aside from the air restriction aspects, the motivation is basically the same. Some people think it looks sexy, some people enjoy a little light domination. Most people aren’t doing anything that would even come close to being on the news.
Of the women I asked about this, the biggest thing that they found unsettling was WHY someone would want to do this.
“What if he has some weird thing where he secretly wants to kill me?”
“Dude, he probably doesn’t.”
“What does that mean? Is it disrespectful?”
“Only if it makes you feel disrespected.”
I think part of this comes, as a lot of fetishes do, out of some weird frustration with modern society. Men feel like they have to be politically correct all the time to avoid offending women. Women feel like they have to be tough all the time, just to avoid being taken advantage of. Since our bedrooms are no-judge zones, that’s where we can reverse all of that. I speak in idealistic terms here, as bedrooms all too often don’t end up being no-judge zones…but I’m sure we can discuss that tomorrow. Wink.