Consumer Reports: juice, lotion…ass effects?

JooooseItem 1

Ocean Spray has finally gotten wise and come out with Diet Cranberry Juice Cocktail, and they’ve gotten it down to 5 calories a serving. Is it as sweet as the regular stuff that has, like, 90 calories a serving? Well, no. But it’s still pretty darn good and is second only to pomegranate juice when it comes to antioxidants. I pray that this product becomes to popular that Kroger comes out with a store brand of diet cranberry juice, ideally also extending the idea to the cran-raspberry blend. SO tasty.

Smellin goodItem 2

It’s one of my goals in life to constantly smell like a dessert item, and Vaseline’s line of cocoa butter stuff makes me smell like a custard donut from Krispy Kreme. It also moisturizes really well, so it’s good for elbows, hands, knees, and feet. It comes in lotion, tube, and (my fave) body butter. You will smell tasty. Promise.

Item 3

With all of the prescription drugs around these days, they must be running low on possible names. Oh sure, Wyeth scored some points by naming a new form of birth control after an 80s synthpop band (Yaz), but Bristol-Myers Squibb has upped the ante by naming its new acid reflux drug Aciphex. Say it out loud. Yep. Some agency somewhere got paid a lot of money to think of that and, somehow, it got past multiple layers of white dudes in suits without anyone saying, “hey, you know…this kind of sounds like ‘ass effects.'” Maybe The Boss thought of the name and no one had the balls to naysay him. Maybe the people working in the marketing department were feeling a little disgruntled. Either way, it bring to mind anal pyrotechnics of the Jackass variety. Eeexcellent.