Adult Contemporary Smackdown

He said something. I don’t even remember what it was, but he said something. Otherwise, I’d have had no reason to turn and look at him. I was a little unsettled as to why exactly Gavin DeGraw was in my bed, but what the hell. He was being terribly nice and there’s a snuggle famine happening at the Batcave. Any balding pseudo-Southern port in a storm.

After that, the death buzz from my Hello Kitty alarm clock slices through the whole damn thing.

Still, I have secretly allowed myself to maintain the delusion that I am dating Gavin DeGraw. After all, who could it hurt? No one.

No one but Adam Levine, that is.

My fantasy world is elaborate and detailed and, in said fantasy world, I have to come to a decision. DeGraw or Levine? On the one hand, DeGraw can be a bit doofy-looking and smokes pot. On the other hand, Levine is rumored to be a bit of a douche and likes deep V-necks a little more than a straight man ought to. Clearly, the only thing to do is make a bar graph.

1.Appearances in dreams: advantage DeGraw

2. Maroon 5 logo looks like it was designed by Klaus Nomi. Advantage: Levine

3. DeGraw smokes pot. Advantage Levine.

4. DeGraw is on record using the phrase “Do you know who I am?” non-sarcastically. Advantage: Levine.

5. Whispering into a microphone: advantage: Levine.

6. Dudes playing piano are hot. Advantage: DeGraw.

7. Both give unsettling quantities of eye contact. Advantage: none.

8. Twitter sarcasm: DeGraw’s twitter uses “u” for “you.” Levine’s is clever. Advantage: Levine.

9. Sense of humor: DeGraw seems eternally earnest, yet Levine is quite the snarky bastard. (It’s a fine line between douchebag and delightful snark pirate. For my dollar, I vote “snark pirate.”)

10.Video sexiness: advantage Levine.

11. Fashion: DeGraw just got out of bed. Levine wears deep V-necks. Advantage: none. (However, Levin in a suit sweeps the category)

12. Hair: Levine’s hair seems bulletproof, but DeGraw always wears hats and is thus suspected of baldness. Advantage: Levine.

13. Tattoos: advantage: Levine.

14. Workout habits: Advantage Levine

15. Lady hips: advantage: Levine.

16. Southern Accent for no good reason: advantage DeGraw

17. Twitter humor: advantage: Levine Exhibit A and Exhibit B

18. Interview mannerisms: DeGraw seems kind of nervous and fidgety, like someone who is endearing REALLY uncomfortable being interviewed. Levine is better rehearsed (upon telling Chelsea Handler that he’s dating a model, he says “go ahead, roll your eyes” and mentions that “it’s possible to be cool AND like Maroon 5…I think.”)

19. Love of Prince: advantage Levine.

20. Artsy pretentiousness (or lack thereof): advantage Levine. When interviewed, DeGraw says things like “I wanted to get back to basics, to get out of the way of the songs,” which is valid and true (and worked really well on Free), but I can’t help but prefer Levine, who summed up his latest work with, “we were like, fuck it, let’s have fun and make a sexy, confident record.” (They did. Hands All Over is awesome, y’all.)

So, which wins? The lovable awkward piano playing-ness of DeGraw, or the fuck-you snark-swagger of Levine? So help me, I’m gonna go with the swagger. Whip-smart humor is sexy. Not taking yourself too seriously is sexy. In the words of Levine, “confidence is sexy.”

Now I just have to break it to DeGraw next time he shows up in a dream.

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