Frenemy

I am curious about the difference in the way the two sexes view their gender-specific parts. From what I gather from Maxim and male friends, dudes are pretty much all ABOUT their dicks. It’s like a love affair. A bromance between a man and…himself. A man loves the hell out of his dick, even during the teenage years of oddly-timed erections. Even through wet dreams. They’re just like “it’s cool, bro. Let’s play some video games.”

A man and his dick are two good friends with the same goal. They pretty much only disagree when the man is in a committed relationship and isn’t allowed to do whatever his dick wants to do. Even then, it’s a simple disagreement between friends.

Like a lot of female relationships, a woman’s relationship with her uterus is, how do you say, more complicated. A lot of women tend to look at their pieces-parts like frenemies. The uterus is the coworker we secretly hate but have to be civil to if we don’t want to get fired.

A uterus is the friend that screws up the plan. “We were going to (go swimming, have sex, be nudists) but it’s shark week.”

A uterus is the friend that is kind of high-maintenance. She demands to be taken to the doctor, and she also demands her own SPECIAL doctor.

A uterus is the friend with a gun to your head. “Be careful, or I will so totally get pregnant. You don’t want to see me pregnant, do you? DO YOU?”

“Ugh, I’m so puffy today.”
“I can’t go. Really bad cramps.”
“I want chocolate. And murder.”

In the uterus’s defense, this isn’t entirely her fault. Living as a female means dealing with a set of body parts that don’t always want to cooperate, but living as a female also means that it’s “gross” or “tmi” to talk about those body parts to anyone other than your female friends.

“I’m sorry I was bitchy about this long line, but I have wicked cramps and I just want to pay for this Tylenol and go home.”

“Sorry I snapped at you after getting your email. My brain is making me think everyone is completely stupid.”

God help you if you’re in a relationship with a guy who slaps his hands over his ears and goes “la la la!” any time you have to talk about your uterus. Right now, a lot of women are trying to avoid a coed shower, sex, or a trip to the pool without mentioning a real reason because we’ve all been taught that dudes are weirded out by periods. “Do not mention,” it is said.

To that, I have 2 answers:

1. This is my body, and I am not ashamed of its goings-on. It is doing what it is built to do.

2. If you are one of the “la la la” dudes, maybe you should attempt acting like an adult.

3. For all the dudes I just pissed off with #2, I’ll make up for it with a random tip for the ladies: stop being freaked out by ejaculate. That’s what HIS body is built to do, so shut up about it. (Happy, guys?)

So, what’s the big take-away here? Hell, I don’t know. Maybe that we should all be a little more accepting of whatever it is that are bodies are built to do. Maybe that we should be like “FUCK YEAH, I’m fertile, bitch!” every time Shark Week approaches, in the same way that you yell “fuck yeah, I’m getting laid!” at the Kroger checker when you buy condoms.

(You DO yell that when you buy condoms, don’t you?)

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