I Didn’t Tell You to Drink that Whiskey

Question: If I’m in a public bathroom and you try the knob and the door is locked, why oh why, do you then KNOCK?

No, really. I’m asking.

Because, clearly, someone is in here. Since we’re in public, I’m assuming that I don’t know you, so you’re probably not welcome to join me. Hell, even if I know you,you’re probably not welcome to join me. It’s all well and good to put your face in my crotch, but a woman sitting on a toilet to pee is just not a good look. As far as I know, I don’t need any help with my urination.

Are you suggesting that I pee faster? I so, fuck you.

Surely this is not the case, because you JUST checked the knob. You just got here. You can’ t have been waiting that long, unless the half second between when you twisted the knob and the knock really WAS the longest span of time that you’re willing to wait to take a pee. If that’s the case, I’m going to go ahead and assume that you never went to a party in college.

“There’s a line outside the bathroom? Fuck this PARTY! I’m going to go home and watch Matlock!”

Frankly stranger, if that’s your attitude, I wouldn’t invite you to a party anyway.

Maybe you’re having some kind of digestive issue. With all due respect, like I said, I don’t know you. Thus, the goings-on of your intestines aren’t really any of my concern. Maybe you shouldn’t have had all that whiskey last night and maybe you should have stayed home instead of pooping in a public bathroom like the homeless. Or a dude in a touring band.

Maybe you’re pregnant and really need to pee.
Maybe you have to puke. Maybe you have to puke because you’re pregnant. At any rate, none of those is my problem and maybe you should keep your legs closed, you whore.

I’m just in here trying to pee.
PEE OUT ALL THIS WHISKEY.

So quick knocking. You’re harshing my buzz.

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