The Checklist (Part Three: Why Don’t You Just Sprout Wings?)

Yep, I realized that I pretty much TOLD you that you should never write down your checklist. It’s a one-way ticket to season four of Tough Love, right? Alas, one of you asked to see it, so I’m doing just that. I’ve pretty much thrown myself on he mercy of the internet and presented myself as Bitter Undateable Bitchbag already, so what the hell. Maybe someone’s looking for a bitter, undateable bitchbag. Aside from that, I suspect that several of my married friends are secretly chomping at the bit to act as personal shoppers, if only so they can scare the hell out of a new guy when he’s faced with having to meet them. “You know when you meet a guy, we’re going to be watching you on Google Maps to make sure you’re home at a reasonable hour.” The 21st century is so delightfully bizarre.

Thus, I give you: Amy’s completely picky, wildly unrealistic, completely-never-gonna-happen checklist.

That Which Is Non-negotiable:

  1. smart
  2. funny
  3. attractive
  4. effective communication skills
  5. strong moral center
  6. life goals
  7. fire

What constitutes “attractive?” Unfortunately, I’m all OVER the place here. I mean, yes, we can all agree that Johnny Depp is freaking hot, but sometimes all I need is fun hands or a fun nose or a bunch of wrong things that come together in exactly the right way. Or a walk. Or maybe he smells good. Honestly, the only way to make a verdict is to meet him in person. It’s possible that I could even meet Johnny Depp and be like, “dude, I’m just not feeling it…I don’t know why.” Not probable, but possible.

As for “strong moral center,” this translates to “have some principles, some honor and some integrity.” I have no intention of lying to you, cheating on you or being sheisty, and I would hope that you would also be disinclined to act like an asshole. I’m saying that you have to be honest, one-faced, and generally act with the best of intentions at least 90% of the time.

Wtf do I mean by “fire?” I mean Dude should be at least a little ornery. Frankly, I can’t respect someone who’s afraid to take the piss out of me on occasion and he’s going to have to call me on my b.s. at some point. I’m not saying “act like a dick,” I’m just saying “if I ask where you want to go to dinner, please for the love of God have SOME opinion.” Nobody likes a doormat.

Before I forget, I’m at about a 70% “no” on the “do you want kids?” issue. However, I am not above losing/changing my mind and having a kid. It could happen. (*edit: after a couple of brushes of seriousness, I’d like to point something out. You think you know what you want. Then you realize you’ve never been in love. I fully reserve the right to lose my damn mind, fall in love and want kids. How fucking scary.)

That which is hot:

  1. being a liberal
  2. being goth/punk/industrial or of that general leaning
  3. possessing cooking ability (double points if you teach me)
  4. having an inappropriate sense of humor
  5. knowing when to be appropriate (family reunions, etc.)
  6. good table manners
  7. tolerance of my incredibly cheesetastic musical tastes
  8. love for video games, particularly hack & slash, fighting or music games
  9. playing some kind of instrument (My parents would play together)
  10. willingness to participate in stupid art projects/joke bands/stupid performance art
  11. exercise routine
  12. love (or tolerance) of trashy reality tv shows
  13. not caring much about religion
  14. vegetarianism
  15. having friends that I actually LIKE
  16. good work ethic
  17. sensible spending habits
  18. cat person
  19. cleanliness of body and house (but not to an OCD degree)
  20. love for Fall and Winter
  21. willingness to come to the antique store, flea market and thirft store
  22. reasonable amount of hedonism (because I need someone to make me have a good time)
  23. ability to be dependable without being completely boring

Stupidly Specific Things (Really, Amy? Really?)

  1. ability to beat me at Scrabble
  2. love of Halloween decor
  3. love of sushi
  4. willingness to come to the gay bar with me
  5. secret wish to move to England (triple points if you ARE British)
  6. anachronistic love of letter writing
  7. love of tmi
  8. osaying Tila Tequila scares you and actually meaning it
  9. loving a trip to the cemetery, even though you know it’s ridiculous

Things I Hope You Hate

  1. Fox News
  2. new country
  3. that “Reba” Show
  4. direct sunlight
  5. marijuana (I prefer that you REMEMBER what I tell you)
  6. poorly-trained dogs
  7. poorly-trained children
  8. golf on television
  9. Juggalos
  10. necrophilia (ha?)

Things I Do That Will Irritate You (fair warning)

  1. taking long showers, usually twice a day
  2. If you put your hands on my face, I will emit a high-pitched squeal until hey are removed..and then maybe punch you.
  3. hardly ever leting you see my shins in any capacity but naked time
  4. speaking LOLcat at you
  5. speaking in metaphors
  6. telling you how many calories are in what you’re eating

2 thoughts on “The Checklist (Part Three: Why Don’t You Just Sprout Wings?)

  1. LOL, this is hilarious. The more I read, the more I realized how similar we are. My faves:
    love of sushi
    being a liberal (and hence hating Fox News)
    love to tmi (who doesn’t LOVE tmi!?)

    And I’m also weirdly good at telling people how many calories they are eating. It’s a talent. Sometimes I want to do it at the circus and be a side show. 🙂

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