The Checklist (part two: Sexyback)

I don’t seriously expect each of you guys to start polling your female friends and asking them to write down their checklists. I’m working on actually writing mine down (per a request from one of you), but I thought I’d tide you over with something I call “Helpful Hints for Dudes Who Can’t Figure Out Why They’re Single.”

Before you all send me hate mail, I’ll point out that these rules also apply to the ladies and point out that I’d be more than happy to hand the ladies their asses too, except that I’m supposed to write what I know. I’ve never dated any ladies, so my beefs with them are more of the “put some damned clothes on already” variety. I have, however, dated guys. A bunch of you. Thus, I’m going to give you some free advice. Also, I will be quick to point out that I’m so totally, clearly not perfect. If a guy wrote a list of 20 things that annoy guys, I’d probably be guilty of at least 10 of them. However, I’ve also never dated myself, so that’s my “out.” So, guys, let’s get you laid, shall we?

1. It’s about your goals, not your job.
While it’s true that one of the first things our friends ask when we meet a new guy is, “so, what does he do?” it’s mainly just a curiosity thing and a question that’s still considered not too personal a thing to ask. We’re not holding a yardstick up to what you’ve accomplished so far. What we’re looking for is whether you have a plan for the future, a long-term goal that you’re trying to reach. Why? We’re trying to see if we fit into that plan, and we want to know that you’re capable of planning beyond next week. A man who can say, “here’s where I want to be in 5 years, here’s how I’m going to get there, and I want you there too” is sexy.

2. It’s not about your paycheck, it’s about your credit score.
I don’t care if you make less money than I do. What I do care about is whether you have the maturity to live within your means. When a guy has bad credit or 30 grand in credit card debt, it’s a warning sign that looks like this:

“This man cannot handle his business. If you share an account with him, that credit card debt will be YOURS. That bad credit will be YOURS.” With all due respect, my credit score is 775 and you’d better not screw it up if we end up one day sharing an account. A man who is responsible enough to handle his business and will not damn us to a life of finance charges is sexy.

3. Clean your house.
A messy house says a lot of things to a female. It makes us suspect that you’re just dating us because you want a mom to come in and clean up after you because you can’t take care of yourself. A messy house says, “I don’t respect and care for what I have.” It says, “I knew you were coming over, and I don’t respect you enough to care about whether you think I’m a flaming pig.”

When we see you respect and care for whatever material things that you have, it makes us think that you would exact that same care if you “had” us. It’s not enough to buy the objects; you have to dust them, too. Much in the same way that, once you get the girl, you still have to keep her. A man who takes care of what is his is sexy.

4. Show up on time.
When you show up on time, it says to us “I respect the effort that you have put forth in trying to be ready on time, I respect that your time is valuable, and I want you to know that I respect those things.” Showing up more than 15 minutes late makes us think that you’re so immature that you can’t even figure out how long it takes to get ready. It makes us think that we are so low on your priority list that you figured you’d just show up whenever and expect us to be cool with it. A man who values a woman’s time and her efforts to be ready on time is sexy.

5. Stay away from the manipulation.
Guys, with all due respect, you can’t manipulate a woman for very long. Women all have master’s degrees in manipulation because we’re women. In high school, we didn’t solve disagreements with a simple fistfight. We ruined each other. We don’t always USE those master’s degrees (I personally find manipulation terribly inefficient as compared to speaking English), but we have them. Thus, heaven help the guy who, at age 30, decides he’s going to try and be slick. He’s manipulating at a 3rd grade level. Invariably, the woman he’s manipulating finds out, and thinks the following:

1. He thinks he’s slick, and he’s not even close.
2. He thought he was going to get away with that…
3. which means he must think I’m stupid.

Aaaand, scene. You’re finished. Just save yourself a lot of trouble and be honest as often as possible. God knows, if you lie we will catch you and that will be bad. Very, very bad. At best, we leave you. At worst, we stick around and use our master’s degrees in manipulation to make you bleed from every metaphorical orifice. A man who respects me enough to tell the truth and not play games with me is sexy.

6. Sober. Up.
Drinking as much at age 30 as you did at age 20 is not fly, and puts a serious kibosh on attaining goals and keeping your house clean. I thought this was just me, but recent polling of female friends has resulted in a glaring truth: we are tired of you people drinking so much. Getting drunk everyday is not a good look and it makes us think that you don’t have any effective coping skills in place. Also, a 30 year old grown-ass man should not be showing up to work with “unidentified party wounds” on a regular basis. It’s juvenile and makes it hard for women to respect you. I’m not saying that you don’t get to have a drink; there’s nothing wrong with a glass of wine. I’m saying that getting sloppy on a daily basis sets off a woman’s red lights and sirens. A man who knows how how drink moderately and not act a fool is sexy.

Random Quick Tips
1. If you don’t cook, learn at least one thing. Cooking for your lady can and usually will lead to nudity.
2. Use a tongue scraper.
3. Read at least one Jane Austen (or Bronte, if you’re goth) novel, just to scare the crap out of your date.
4. Do not ever, under any circumstances, imply that your lady may need to lose some weight, unless you just really don’t care about seeing her naked ever again.
5. We will never understand why you like action movies and ultimate fighting, for the same reasons that you will never understand Jane Austen novels and Tori Amos.
6. Even a flaming feminist will secretly like it when you open doors for her.
7. Make a plan and stick to it. Planning says “I respect you and your time enough to want to reserve some of it to make sure I see you.”
8. Every now and then, do some of that crap that you hate (hang out with our mom, take us to a costume drama) and pretend to have a good time. We appreciate the effort and your willingness to take one for the team.
9. Introduce her to your friends; it makes her feel like you’re proud to be with her and you want to integrate her into your life.
10. Never underestimate the power of back/foot rubs.

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One thought on “The Checklist (part two: Sexyback)

  1. You’re on a roll of amazing posts here! Having a blast!

    Um, one gripe… We don’t get Tori Amos? She’s the freaking cornerstone of my musical background. Did I just open myself up for ridicule?

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