The Great Goth Fantasy

It is said that guys become goth because they just want to date goth chicks. Who, after all, can resist porcelain mounds of boobflesh peeking out from a strict corset? The bizarre, Victorian notion of unlacing such a thing like unwrapping a vacuum-packed Christmas present?

Or maybe that’s just the fantasy of goth chicks, imagining guys picturing them as coveted Christmas gifts. I can’t speak for the dating habits of goth dudes, as I have never been one, no matter what my frequent use of the expression “why don’t you eat my freakin dick” may imply. Hell, I can barely speak for the dating habits of goth women. Those habits vary from the very emo notion of Soulmates to the more modern idea of Maneating. Is she slutty, or just liberated? It’s exhausting. I can, however, bet that a lot of goth folk, male and female, have faced what I have begun to refer to as The Great Goth Fantasy.

If you date someone you meet at goth night, there are pretty good odds that you’ll eventually break up with that person rather than marry them. When that breakup happens, you will continue to see that person whenever you go to goth night. Eventually, you will end up seeing your ex kissing his or her new mate. I don’t care how adult you think you are, there’s no way that isn’t going to sting. I have friends who have gotten out of long relationships, only to spend years having to see their exes every Sunday. It’s awful to watch a friend go through it, and must be worse to be that friend. Without fail, the exes get back together or one of them just leaves town.

Why, then, would anyone ever, EVER open themselves up to this? Why not just meet some nice boy from a friend’s party, another bar, or work? (Yes, work. Even a job is less permanent than one’s subculture.) Why not try to date a guy who roams in a completely different circle?

Because, even in the most horribly cynical times, some little part of every single goth still believes in The Great Goth Fantasy. You know the one. Since I come from the old school, my fantasy goes like this:

Meeting a guy with a taste for top hats, pocket watches, sideburns and suits. A guy who cares about how we decorate our house, but agrees that the decorating should rely heavily on trolling antique stores. A guy who also fantasizes about one day having an armoire with figural carving. A guy who writes a good paragraph, doesn’t think “lots of good sunlight” is desirable in a room, and who doesn’t think incense smells like old hippies. A guy who understands the wonders of a bath by candlelight and who would have nag champa bubble bath custom mixed instead of using floral junk from Wal-Mart. A guy who bears in mind the difference between metal and plastic boning when picking out Christmas presents. A love for lavish costume dramas would be good, but let’s not get crazy. He does still have to be straight, after all.

Well, that got really specific really quickly. Let’s step back. Big picture time.

To sum up, the great fantasy is to meet a guy who “gets” you. Random guys from random places try, but they don’t automatically understand because their whole sense of aesthetics is out of whack. They’d break up with you for taking a picture of the sink after you have a particularly sweet nosebleed. They think that celebrating the first day chilly enough to wear boots by going to the cemetery is weird. They would want you to go outside when the sun is still up, and maybe even expect you to watch football (or worse, baseball). It would be INSANITY.

Yep, dating someone from goth night can have serious, incredibly awkward repercussions. Unfortunately, the only way to find the fantasy is to keep looking for it. The only way to get to Juno The Caseworker is to try the knob in the door you just drew, even if it seems crazy.

You might walk into the wall 100 times but, sooner or later, that door’s going to open.

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