I Am the Bitch Your Guidance Counselor Warned You About

Writing cover letters for freelance jobs started off being excruciatingly painful. Now, with daily practice, it has become bizarrely amusing. You get one paragraph (two if your reader has a long attention span) to make someone love you and your work. OK, the work ends up having to speak for itself (something I plan to rectify in version 3.0 of my site, if I ever get it built). As for getting someone to love me, I find that it’s easier when I’m not desperate. It’s like how it’s easier to find a guy when you already have one. By having a job already, you prove that you’re worthy of employment. By having a boyfriend, you prove that you’re worthy of being wanted. People love people who are already loved. People can smell desperation and fear and, like Jack London said, if you let them take you down, you’ll never get back up. Yes, that was a Call of the Wild reference. I am so totally high-brow that I can allude to 5th grade reading list materials.

Of the few job interviews I have aced in my life, I think I did so because I had been so beaten down that I just didn’t give a shit anymore. When I interviewed at Vandy, I showed up dressed as myself and said whatever I damn well pleased. I was so over pretending to be perky. I think I rocked that interview because, in deciding I didn’t care about being perky, I came off looking like I wasn’t hiding something.

Some people have poker faces, but everything I’m thinking comes out on my face without my even realizing it. Thus, I can’t pretend to not be hiding something. I have to actually NOT be hiding something. It sounds easier than it is. I’m not ashamed of me, but I do realize that a lot of the stuff I do looks bat-shit crazy even though there’s a perfectly rational reason for it.

Yesterday, I think I broke through the wall while I was writing an email applying to be the official Nashville TV examiner. It probably doesn’t pay much, but I’m writing snarky blogs about TV already, so I might as well make some cash, appear more legit, and get a bigger audience. I love you guys, but if I’m ever going to get my book deal and achieve world domination, I have to find a bigger audience. I’d be perfectly happy being the next David Sedaris, but if I stumble into world domination, I’m totally cool with that.

The Examiner asks why you think they should hire you to write for them. “Cause my friends think I’m amusing?” Nope. “Because my God-given gift is being a smart ass and refusing to let me unleash my bitchiness on the world would be nothing less than an affront to God. You do NOT want to diss God.”

They will either hire me or think I’m insane. Hopefully, both.

Here is a random dog.

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One thought on “I Am the Bitch Your Guidance Counselor Warned You About

  1. For the record I got this job by sending out an angry and funny cover letter, HR person gave it to my boss because I was his kind of guy.

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