1. Tongue scraper (any brand)
It’s not a very sexy way to start a list but, as not all of you use one, I’m taking the opportunity to continue to badger you about this. I’m a huge fan of my tongue scraper, and it helps me avoid (as much) breath paranoia and scrapes the coffee-related funk off my tongue after a work day.
2. black eyeliner (Mehron, Hot Topic)
Performance Costumes in Nashville sells a black eyeliner made by Mehron that’s about two bucks and actually really good. Surprisingly, the Hot Topic line of makeup is also good stuff, though the “glitter eyeliner” doesn’t really contain that much glitter.
3. soft lite powder (Performance)
Goth chicks and drag queens, take note: Performance’s brand of loose setting powder will keep your makeup on through dancing. Drugstore foundations and powders are all too dark for most of my sun-avoiding goth peeps, but Performance’s foundations go all the way to white. Note: that doesn’t make it OK to wear white foundation.
4. Rave #4 (Kroger, Wal-Mart)
I come from the days when dinosaurs roamed the Earth and 13 year-old girls had crazy mall bangs, thus I can say with some authority that Rave #4 is the Cadillac of hairsprays for bulletproof hair. It even beats Aqua Net Extra Hold, no matter what Motley Crue will tell you.
5. Dish Brush with Replaceable Brushy Head (Target)
A dish brush? Yep. Run a piece of ball chain through the handle, and you’ve got a bath brush that will slough off dead skin, hang neatly in the shower, and have a long enough handle for you to wash your whole back. If you’re feeling really hard core, you can fill the handle with body wash. When the head starts to get funky, just toss it in the laundry or dishwasher.
6. Bonnie Bell lip gloss (anywhere)
It comes in tons of flavors, keeps your lips from getting chapped, and reminds you of when you got your first tube at age 5 and ATE the thing. Wait, was that just me?
7. Mehron Clown White Lite (Performance)
It comes in a body butter-like container and is good to use as a highlighter. Note: I don’t condone using it as foundation, unless it’s Halloween. Friends don’t let friends dress like The Crow.
8. Body Scrub / Buff Puf (Kroger)
In order to have a smooth surface for whatever makeup you’re wearing, you have to exfoliate. Exfoliating is also helpful if you have bad skin, as good exfoliating helps avoid clogged pores. I use scrubbers that are designed for bodies and feet on my face, but that’s not for everybody. In one moment of non-brillance, I even used a light-grade sandpaper once. It felt great until 10 minutes after when my face burned like fire. Duh.
9. Orly “Liquid Vinyl” (Sally Beauty Supply)
Liquid Vinyl is the name for Orly’s black nail polish. As someone who has been in the black nail polish game for roughly 13 years, I’d say that this has been my favorite. It will give you a good, solid black in one coat and stays on for a decent length of time.
10. Alcohol-free mouthwash (Kroger, Target, Wal-Mart)
Since we started with oral hygiene, I’m guessing that we should also end with it, just for balance. The alcohol-free mouthwashes cost more, but I think they’re worth it. Why? If the mouthwash isn’t burning your face off, you’re more likely to swish it around as long as you’re supposed to. Also, mouthwashes with alcohol in them untimately dry out your mouth, making it more open to stank breath than it was in the first place. Floss, brush, scrape, rinse. It’s kind of an elaborate ritual, but it’s worth doing, especially if you’re about to go to a bar and yell in people’s faces. Does that make you paranoid about your breath? I’m always paranoid about it, especially since the ENT man says I shouldn’t be chewing gum.