This month’s Blender (there it is again) says something about Pete Wentz being an habitual blogger because he’s something of an attention whore. Maybe this is true, but maybe Wentz just has a lot of stuff to say. Maybe he’s just one of those people who is more prone to standing on a table and yelling, as opposed to being content to sit silently. Maybe the personality of someone much taller got concentrated in his small frame, and it’s been clawing to get out ever since. So, why are we talking about that Blender article again?
Because it made me ask myself, “why do I do this? am I an attention whore? am I a self-centered asshole?” Granted, the irony of asking oneself if one is a self-centered asshole is delicious, but after much thought…
I don’t think so. Well, at least I’m less of an asshole than I was.
Being here, telling you everything, makes me ultimately more pleasant to be around in real life. By the time my friends see me after work, I’ve already said every damn thing of value that I have to say. I can sit across the dinner table from them and listen. By the time 6:00 rolls around, I’m sick to death of myself. This is a far cry from the first time I worked from home, when Diah would call me up at the end of the day and be subjected to 100-mile-an-hour word vomit and have to interrupt me with “hey! hey! when was the last time you left the house?”
In a real life filled with clients, I often have to be bigger than I am. I have to pretend to be a better designer than I think I am. I have to pretend to be bulletproof, when I’m balled up in a fetal position on the inside. I have to wear high heels so people don’t treat me like a precocious child, which doesn’t always work. (Besides, I WAS a precocious child. My “fuck you” attitude earned me the nickname “Miss America” from my 4th grade teacher.)
I’m here because I have the self-flagellating nature of the inner perfomance artist. I’m here because I can be myself here. I’m here because all the stuff I suck at (eye contact, body language, not appearing like a crazy leprechaun) doesn’t exist here. This is me, without all the weird, accidental stuff in between. I’m here because I need to be.
I’m here because I’m a “stand on a table and yell” person, too.