You ever have one of those days where you just sit around not really giving much of a shit about anything? Thought so. I’m having one of those days. Granted, days like this prove to me that I’m not, in fact, over-medicated. I am, however, forced to wonder whether the newly-doubled anti-depressants are doing anything other than screwing up my physical activity. Then again, maybe the trouble with the physical is mentally-based. Long story. Let’s not get into it.
There is no safety outside of the illusion of safety.
Once the illusion gets shot to hell, there’s nothing left.
Anyway, getting back on-topic.
I was just looking at the recent batch of Raypics from goth night, and it’s so demoralizing. I can’t believe I bother to do my hair for that shit. What’s the fucking point? Going out to watch the mating rituals of the straight man, only to come out of it thinking that I’m lucky that I’ve dodged the sex bullet for this long? Honestly, nothing will make you celibate faster than watching some dude dressed like The Crow dry-hump some girl who is apparently under the terrible misconception that underwear is optional and her dress doesn’t make her look like a sausage. I look through those pictures and I can practically hear That Fucking VNV Nation Song. It’s all very tiring, and not really worth it when you know you’re going to have The Tired Headache at work the next day.
OK, haters, I hear you. “Those people aren’t bothering you! It’s not like you’ve got anything better to do on a Sunday night!” Yeah, I know. I just need some time off is all.
I just need for something to be non-disappointing for a minute. I just need one little victory. Instead, it’s a bunch of little things, stacked up into an unclimbable mountain in front of me.
I told my shrink all of this a month ago, prompting him to tell me that, “things are just really frustrating right now,” and double my meds. Two weeks after filling that prescription, things are still pretty much the same. It is a life of living on table scraps. Scramble around and snatch up whatever you can, and then one day look around and feel like it wasn’t worth the effort. You look around, and all it is is little crumbs.