Housewives all over America swear that it’s possible to save a bundle by clipping coupons. Maybe, but do I really want to spend my life snipping things just to save a quarter on some damn toothpaste? Nein! It’s a lot more alluring when you make it easy for me by putting them on a web site.
“But Amy,” you say, “the toner that it takes to print one of those damn things costs more than a quarter! Besides, it’s such a pain in the ass when the coupon won’t scan and the checker freaks out.”
Nay, readers. What if you could click a little checkbox and load the coupon onto your KrogerPlus card? That’d be pretty darn easy, right? And you KNOW you’re gonna buy that alcohol-free Crest mouthwash, even though it costs more. You might as well save fifty cents.* Yeah, you have to enter the numbers on your Kroger card in order for the coupon to be loaded to your account, but Big Brother has already known you for years anyway. For 2 dollars off Pantene conditioner, Big Brother can study my tofu purchases all he wants. Now science just has to invent a way to deliver the coupons directly to my house via Depp.
*If you’re not using alcohol-free mouthwash, you should start. The non-burning allows you to hold the wash in your stanky yap long enough for it to work like it’s supposed to. The lack of alcohol also keeps your moth from drying out and becoming more stanky than it was in the first place. Also, alcohol-free mouthwashes typically use cetylpyridinium chloride (CPC) to kill germs, which helps the mouthwash fight plaque and gingivitis better than alcohol (thanks, google!).