The Map, The Plan, The Wrong Turn.

OK, fine. I admit it. I’m having a shitty day, I’m in a bad mood. At some point, you have to stop fighting it and just go with it. Thing is, I don’t have the option of losing my shit today. I don’t have the option of lying in bed eating Little Debbies and drinking vodka. No. For I have work to redo.

This morning, I went to Midas to be told that I need new brakes, which I knew, but (because I stalled for so long on getting the new brakes), I also needed new rotors. The bill came out at $315 dollars. I’m told that this was a good price, but that knowledge doesn’t make it not 315 bucks that I don’t have.

When my boss cut my hours, she said she’d hoped it would only be for 3 months. 3 months ends July 1 and I haven’t gotten an update on the work situation. So far, by avoiding spending money on anything I didn’t really need, I have managed to not have to break into my savings account. That ended today, and I now owe myself a thousand dollars. I am slowly sinking into quicksand, and all I can do is keeping trying to hustle and score freelance work. It is endless and tiring and, even when it works, I barely break even. I went to college. Twice. I have spent 30 years trying to be better, faster, and stronger than everybody else, and it’s gotten me HERE. Driving a car that sometimes requires me to have a hammer on hand, and never knowing when the next big blow is coming. One day, something’s going to break and it’ll just have to stay broken.

I considered telling Jen that we couldn’t have dinner each week anymore because it’s something that I’d rather not spend money on right now, but Jen’s leaving soon. In the grand scheme of things, I’d rather have time spent with her than save 60 bucks a month.

I am running out of drugs and beginning to suspect that my shrink did not, in fact, fax in the scrips like he said he would. He probably asked his useless, rude secretary to do it. I don’t know how someone with a medical degree could possibly be the last person on Earth to know that his secretary doesn’t do a single, god-damned thing she is required to do, but there it is. I stopped expecting her to be anything other than rude and useless years ago. So, here I am. Running out of drugs, and preparing to send him an email involving the phrase, “do you seriously think I don’t have enough to be stressed about right now?”

So, I’m here redoing some work that I can’t even charge for because I stupidly assumed that the information my friend gave me was correct. Wrong. Now, I get to redo 4 hours of work and I can’t even bill for it. Even though I’m under-billing this client in an almost major way, he’s probably still going to be pissed when he gets his invoice because he’s on a budget. I have been as fast as I can without cranking out shitty work, but sometimes it’s about fast and not about good.

Katy once asked me how I get up and work on a day when I really just sort of want to lay in bed. “You walk into the kitchen, look at the stack of bills, and then you fucking suck it up.” I had thought that coming to Panera to work would keep me from lying in bed and crying today. I was half right.

2008 Spending Stats

As I was doing my taxes on Sunday, going through my big Excel spreadsheet where I keep all of my checking and credit card transactions, I thought of a fun experiment. A couple bounced checks in my college years led to my current semi-obsessive record-keeping via Excel. I’m not as diligent about this as my dad would be, but I haven’t bounced a check in over a decade (unless you count that time that I forgot a decimal point online and accidentally tried to pay $23,462 on my student loans). By the way, if I HAD paid $23,462 on my student loans, they STILL wouldn’t be paid off, but that’s a whole other Oprah show.

I thought it might be fun to graph out everything just to see where the fuck my money is going. Like, do I really spend too much money at restaurants? Which did I spend more on? Gas or food? These are the burning questions posed by the Excel spreadsheet. I left off all of the one-time house expenses, like closing costs and down payment, because they were skewing the data and I don’t buy a house every year (thank god).

I was stoked to find that I only owed 58 bucks on my taxes, even after counting the freelance work. This is good, because the money in my savings account may be needed in the next few months. That’s my “omgwtf” money, and it’ll help me survive without having to cash out my other 401k, also known as my “omgwtfBBQ” money.

Conclusion: I spend a little more on mortgage than I ought to (Suze Orman or somebody says this should be 25% and mine is 28%), but I only spent about 300 bucks on clothes, and I spend much more at Kroger than I do at restaurants, so I guess that’s good. Also, the student loan and car payments can still bite me. (Click the small pic to see the big pic.)

Friday LOL: Keyboard Cat (with props to Jay)

(Click here if you can’t see the embed.)

“What makes you tick?”

A few days ago, someone on Twitter asked the question in the subject line above. I didn’t have an answer at the time, but the simplicity of the question caused it to stick in my head. Maybe the question stuck in my head because I didn’t have an answer at the time. “Does this mean that I’m going about my life like a company with no mission statement? An essay with no thesis?”

The question continued to roll around in my head, off and on, off an on, like a slow-cycling strobe. What makes me tick, damn it? Work? Art? Orneriness? Then it came to me: what makes me tick is neurosis.

I’m neurotic about work because I’m deathly afraid of being unemployed, especially right now. A life as a graphic designer is a life of waiting for the world to decide that some guy who writes computer code can do your job better than you can. It is a life of waiting for web 3.0. The end of print media. The day when design is considered a stupid luxury, right along with bling watches and pimp cups. It makes a girl nervous, and it turns a girl into Lil Wayne. That is to say that I’m afraid to stop moving. As I recently told a friend after telling him my annual income, “but that’s not cause I’m a good designer…it’s cause I have a good hustle.”

While art certainly does make me tick a little, and good art inspires me to keep going, the art that I create separate from my life as a designer is done for three reasons. One: to keep myself sane, to give the universe a bit of math to live by and to feel a little powerful in said universe. Two: my hands don’t like to sit still, so they tend to make things. Three: the new house has a lot of wall space, so I have to make stuff.

The orneriness is an offshoot of the neurosis. The Brain is always ticking away on something, bringing questions up over and over again until they get answers. Often, the answer is to do something ornery or weird. It’s not that I’m rebellious or punk rock, oh no. I don’t do rebellious things for the sake of rebellion because I’m not fifteen (no matter what my Kool-Aid and vodka habit may imply). I do rebellious things either because they’re funny or they need to be done.

After I sent a poison pen email to the president of Former College regarding the conduct of a former teacher, Katy said “did you actually send that? that’s so punk rock.” I sent it because I had something to say. Because somebody needed to tell that guy all of the crazy behavior Former Teacher was trying to pull. I sent that email because it needed to be done.

All of these reasons are why I’ve grown sort of comfortable with my neurosis. It’s very functional if it’s controlled and focused, kind of like the red laser that shoots out of Cyclops’s eyes. Keep the visor on, and you’re a super hero. Take the visor off, and you’re trashing Grand Central Station. It’s a living.

I Take Blender’s “Does _______ Rock?” Quiz

As I was falling asleep at 11 (on a FRIDAY) last night, I had a flash in my mind of the “does ________ rock?” quiz that Blender does every month. Just for funzies, I’m going to fill out the quiz that was given to Blake Lewis (who?) in the March 2008 issue.

1. Ever trash a hotel room?
1. If by “trash,” you mean “have panic attack and throw up,” then yes. But I made it to the bathroom, so nothing really got “trashed,” per se.

2. Worst rumor about you?
2. Satan worship and witchcraft, courtesy of my former co-workers at Vanderbilt, who had no sense of humor about the prefix on my name.

3. Largest number of people you’ve woken up next to?
3. Seven! (At a slumber party in 6th grade.)

4. Biggest celebrity whose home you’ve gotten drunk in?
4. Alas, I’ve only been tipsy, and that was at Jrob’s house. Does being famous in Murfreesboro count?

5. Worst tour horror story?
5. Being sick as a dog for Kentucky Honor Choir, but it was an honor to get chosen so I still went. And proceeded to lose my voice. (Note: I got to go because I had “heart,” NOT for my singing. No shit, yo.)

6. Ever been declared legally dead?
6. No, but when I had my wisdom teeth cut out, the fingertip monitor kept slipping off of my tiny old lady hands and the nurse kept running in, thinking I was dead.

7. Ever wreck a car?
7. Sweet! I get some points! I did 9 grand of damage to a cop’s Crown Victoria by pulling out in front of him.

8. Ever harbor a fugitive of the law?
8. Well, Chris stayed with me once and he might have bad credit. But one of the dudes in his band allegedly can’t leave the country. Do I get points for that?

9. Ever gotten lucky on an airplane?
9. You’re not from around here, are you? Read this. Or talk to any guy I’ve ever dated. I KNOW…when I started the “no sex before love” road trip, I didn’t think it was going to be this long a drive.

10. Stupidest thing you’ve ever eaten?
10. Extra value meal #3 from McDonalds. I threw up 22 times the next day and almost passed out in the shower. I’ve boycotted McDonald’s since (15 years), gone vegetarian, and become really paranoid about buffets.

11. What drug won’t you ever do again?
11. Again, you’re not from around here. While I thoroughly enjoy the drugs that are prescribed to me, I figure that my brain is enough of an adventure without other drugs…but if they take away my Paxil, I am so totally not above smoking pot.

VERDICT:
No sex, no drugs, no meat? Celine Dion rocks harder than (evil)amy.

Hot Survey Action, courtesy Good Amy & Ichabod.

2008 IS ALMOS​T OVER,​​​ WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

HAVE YOU…

Stayed single the whole year?
Yep. I can’t say that I mind much, as I had a lot of other crap going on. I dated a very nice fellow a little bit, but we were just too different. Very nice guy, though.

Kisse​d someo​ne new?
Holy crap! I totally did. The aforementioned nice fellow.

Lost someone?
In the sense that I misplaced them? Yes. In the sense that someone died? No. Diah was late 2007. The outlook for 2009 is a bit questionable. I hope I’m wrong, but…well, brain tumors, dude. That’s hard to get around.

Done somet​hing you’​​​ve regre​tted?
The aforementioned nice guy? He was unlucky and had bad timing. I think I wasn’t as nice to him as I should have been. It still wouldn’t have worked out, but I could have handled that better. Note to self: apologize for this next time I run into him at a party.

Cut class​?
Yes. ALL of them. Is ok, though…I have been to more than my fair share of college and I’m really trying to cut back.

Were involved in something you’ll never forget?
Hopefully, several things…I’m not a huge fan of forgetting large chunks of my life.

Visit​ed a diffe​rent count​ry?
Nope, but if the DHGs want to send me to work DHG Europe, I’d be totally ok with that (hint hint…)

Cooked a gross meal?
DUDE. Since I have a kitchen that is actually suitable for cooking, I’ve been using the stove. The horror…the horror.

Lost something important to you?
Yeah. But now that I think about it, it shouldn’t have been so important and I’m better off without it. That wasn’t a virginity reference, by the way.

Got a gift you adore​?
A few of them, actually. Most recently, a kick-ass scarf that Jen made me.

Tripped over a coffee table​?
I don’t have a coffee table, but I did make myself bleed on the edge of an open dishwasher. Jen, however…resounding yes. I’m not sure if she’s able to wear shoes yet.

Dyed your hair?
Yep, but I stopped around June to let my silver come in.

Came close to losing your life?
Did you see that post a couple days ago about the 007 Driving Academy?

Went to a party​? A few of them

2008:​​​ Frien​ds and Enemi​es
Did you meet any new frien​ds this year?
Probably, but the years blur together so much that it’s hard to tell when relationships begin and end. I’m pretty certain about Abbey, though. That was November…?

Did you disli​ke anyon​e?
Yeah, but it’s a short list. I’m fully prepared for the day when I run into certain people and have to look them square in the eye and tell them to go fuck themselves.

Did you grow apart​ from anyon​e?
Yeah. People get significant others and just sort of disappear. You know how it is.

Do you have any regre​ts when it comes​ to your frien​dship​s?
No. Maybe kind of wishing that I’d tried a little harder to hang onto those people that drifted away, but experience says that effort there is, sadly, wasted.

2008:​​​ Your BIRTH​DAY!

Did you have a cake?
Nope…the birthday was pretty anticlimactic this year.

Did you have a party​?
I’m not really one of those people to have a birthday party for myself. I just don’t get it.

Did you get any prese​nts?
Yep

2008:​​​ All about​ YOU

Did you chang​e at all this year?
Uh, probably. Lessons were learned…never a pleasant process, but necessary.

Did you chang​e your style​?
Not really, though I think my raging glitter problem may have hit a peak.

Did anyon​e close​ to you give birth​?
Thank god, no. You know what I just realized? For the first time in a long time, most of my friends are female. Not sure what that means.

Did you go on any vacat​ions?
I generally don’t take vacations. Stay tuned for February’s cruise though. Please send valium.

Would​ you chang​e anyth​ing about​ yours​elf now?
Evolution is a slow process. I’m still working on it.

2008 WRAP UP:

Was 2008 a good year?
Yes and no. The first half really sucked, and then there was a 3-month “OMGWTFBBQ” and now things are leveling out.

Do you think​ 2009 will top 2008?
Dude, it would be hard for it not to.

I confe​ss that in 2008 I…

(x) staye​d singl​e for the whole​ year
( ) kisse​d in the snow (uh….what snow?)
(x) celeb​rated​ Hallo​ween
( ) had my heart​ broke​n
( ) moone​d someo​ne
(x) went over the minut​es on my cell phone
( ) had someo​ne quest​ion my sexua​l orien​tatio​n
(x) came out of the close​t (not really…just seeing if you’re paying attention)
( ) got pregn​ant
( ) had an abort​ion
(x) did somet​hing I regre​tted

– OTHER

( ) paint​ed a pictu​re
(x) wrote​ a poem
( ) ran a mile
( ) shopp​ed at Holli​ster or Aberc​rombi​e and Fitch​ (WTF?)
(x) poste​d a blog on MySpa​ce
( ) visit​ed a forei​gn count​ry
( ) cut in a line of waiti​ng peopl​e
(x) told someo​ne I was busy when I wasn​’​​​t
(x) parti​ed to celeb​rate the new year
(x) cooke​d a disas​trous​ meal
( ) lied about​ how old I am
( ) prank​ calle​d someo​ne

In 2008 I…
[ ] broke​ a promi​se
[ ] fell out of love
[x] told a littl​e white​ lie.
[x] lied
[x] cried​ over a broke​n heart
[x] disap​point​ed someo​ne close
[x] hid a secre​t
[x] prete​nded to be happy
[ ] slept​ under​ the stars
[ ] kept my new year’s​ resol​ution
[ ] forgo​t my new year’s​ resol​ution
[​​​x]​​​ met someo​ne who chang​ed my life
[ ] met one of my idols
[x] chang​ed my outlo​ok on life
[ ] sat at home all day doing​ nothi​ng
[ ] prete​nded to be sick
[ ] left the count​ry
[ ] almos​t died
[ ] gave​ up on somet​hing/​​​someo​ne impor​tant to me
[ ] lost somet​hing expen​sive
[x] learn​ed somet​hing new about​ mys​elf
[x] tried​ somet​hing I norma​lly would​n’​​​t try and liked​ it
[x] made a chang​e in my life
[x] met some great​ peopl​e
[x] staye​d up ’til sunri​se
[ ] cried​ over the silli​est thing
[ ] spent​ most of my money​ on food
[ ] had a fist fight
[x] got sick
[ ] liked​ more than 5 peopl​e at the same time

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Breast Cancer is Bad, mmmkay?

As you all probably noticed by the psycho-abundance of pink products in the stores right now, October is breast cancer awareness month. What this means, in addition to your ability to buy a PINK Dyson at Target, is that Design-her Gals are having their second annual virtual walk for breast cancer.

Virtual Walk? Wha? Basically, you go to www.galtogalwalk.org and build a gal (or guy) to look like you, pay a measly five bucks, and “walk” cross country while backgrounds of various cities pass behind you and a map at the bottom of the screen tracks the walk’s progress. I believe the walk is passing through Orlando today.

Anywho, we at DHG totally slaved to get all of these walk outfits done and working, so you should at least take a look at the site. Even better if you join the walk (it’s 5 freakin bucks, which you know you can totally afford). That’s less than a drink at a bar, less than a 6-piece shrimp dinner at Cap’n D’s, and less than a box of hair dye. The money goes to the Gal to Gal Foundation, which grants wishes to women with Stage IV breast cancer. It’s a good cause, and you don’t need that shrimp from Cap’n D’s anyway. Just saying.

Hurried Cosmetics

You ever get the feeling that you spend your entire life being late for stuff? Or, in my case, being almost late for stuff? Does it make you crazy? Me too.

To answer Maehymn’s question, I don’t know why I’ve been so silent of late. Maybe the lack of torture in my current life doesn’t leave me with much to say. Maybe I don’t leave the house much and, when I do, I pretty much do the same thing I always do. Anywho, I’ll give you some highlights.

A couple weeks ago, Mark informed me that he’s decided to get more serious with his girlfriend. And so many years of hanging out one night a week came to an end. It’s the circle of life, I guess. Chalk up another person to the list of “people I have to stop in and see at work if I want to see them.”

Also a couple weeks ago, I saw Ayria perform and they rocked my lame ass as usual. Yeah, Cruxshadows were there too. And? I left while the club was silent before Rogue made his grand entrance. I’m forced to wonder if the Cruxshadows have something in their rider about how the club must be silent for a solid minute before they take the stage. You know, so Rogue can come in from the back doing a dramatic reading of “Annabel Lee” or whatever the fuck he does now. As for me, if I’m not allowed to heckle and throw things, I have no reason to watch Rogue prance about in front of an ever-growing line of identical-looking women. It’s all very “Addicted to Love.” Seriously, have you seen the fliers? There’s like 12 people in the band now. They’re the goth Wu-Tang.

I have finally finished hanging all of the blinds, and “measure for doorknobs” is now on my to-do list. I plan to drive out to Expo and drop a good 600 bucks on door knobs as soon as I get that last check from the VFW project. I know, but they’re really SWEET doorknobs. Shut up.

My parents have booked the cruise. THE CRUISE. Sometime in spring, I will be FLYING to Ft. Lauderdale and then getting on a boat for 5 days. Stay tuned for a series of blogs titled “Evil At Sea.” Yeah, internet access is 55 cents a minute, but I’ll pay it to update the blog. Who loves ya, baby?

Someone please tell me what’s happening on Project Runway. I have no cable. Yet. I have a huge freelance project coming down the pike, but the client and I have yet to agree on a price, so the whole thing could still fall through. If it doesn’t fall through, I’ll be getting cable and Lasik some time in the next six months. Holla!

Might as well face it, you’re addicted to Rogue,
-(e)a

Mother Father and Entertainment Rock My Lame Ass

I am of the belief that flyers Louisville Goth functions should include the following disclaimer:

“We have many hot deathrock boys, but they’re all gay. Don’t bother coming, unless you find yourself inexplicably drawn to the fat guy who dresses like a pirate.”

You see, there are several very scrany, very hot, and (naturally) very well-coiffed deathrock boys from Louisville. However, if you go to one of their functions with some weird intent to meet and take home one of the aforementioned hot deathrock boys, you should save yourself the gas money. The straight dudes of Louisville Goth are, sadly, much like the straight goth dudes everywhere else: dressed like pirates, wearing kilts, or under the impression that it’s OK to wear a poet shirt in public. They all need stylists. That said, let’s talk about music.

Mother Father’s opener, Entertainment, was OK. It must be very hard to bring something new to a goth genre that’s about 30 years old, and Entertainment are only halfway there. To keep my attention as a deathrock band, it’s not good enough to be OK. You have to do something to make yourself special, and Entertainment didn’t quite reach the (admittedly high) standards. Were they a decent way to spend 45 minutes? Yes. Do I feel the need to buy the CD? Not so much.

Mother Father, however, make an impression. They start that first song and, if it were a handshake, you’d say that your hand stayed shook (if I may reference Hank Hill). The drummer who seemed to be a tad random (“who let Zack Morris in the band?”) makes the reason for his presence clear. It’s hard to find a drummer, harder to hold ONTO a drummer, and triple hard to find a GOOD drummer. Thus, we can overlook a little thing like resembling Zack Morris. True, after 6 or 7 seven songs, my mind started to wander, but the fact that I stayed in a hot bar, sweating balls, to listen to the whole set when I was tired should say something. It was totally worth the five bucks.

And did I mention the deathrock eye candy?
I’m a pig.